This Close to Happy: A Reckoning with Depression by Daphne Merkin is more than just a memoir—it is a strikingly honest exploration of life with depression. Merkin candidly shares her experiences, beginning with her childhood marked by early hospitalizations, her fraught relationship with her emotionally distant mother, and the overwhelming challenges of postpartum depression.
In addition to recounting her personal struggles, Merkin reflects on her journey to becoming a writer. She openly discusses her frustrations with therapists and the complexities surrounding psychiatric medications, offering an intimate portrayal of living with depression and the difficulties in treating it. Through her raw honesty, she sheds light on the persistent nature of depression and the resilience required to navigate its challenges.
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!
Laying It Bare: A Memoir of Chronic Depression
Daphne Merkin traces the roots of her illness back to a childhood that, while materially privileged, was marked by emotional neglect. Raised by distant parents and an abusive nanny, her relationship with her narcissistic and withholding mother had a particularly deep and lasting impact. Although some readers might find her difficulty in breaking free from this toxic bond frustrating, it underscores the raw honesty at the heart of her story.
Merkin shares pivotal moments from her life, including multiple hospitalizations for depression. These experiences vividly illustrate the cyclical and persistent nature of her illness. Despite achieving professional success as a writer and seeking help through therapy and medication, the shadow of depression remained a constant presence.
This Close to Happy powerfully demonstrates that depression isn’t a one-time event but a chronic condition. Even during periods of relative stability, Merkin acknowledges that the potential for relapse was always there, lurking just beneath the surface.
The Limits of Therapy
Daphne Merkin delves into the complexities of therapy, medication, and the broader mental health system. Merkin candidly explores the trial-and-error nature of therapy, highlighting how some therapists provide valuable insights while others leave her feeling misunderstood—underscoring the vulnerability of patients navigating inconsistent care. Her mixed feelings about therapy are evident as she critiques its shortcomings, particularly in addressing severe depression rooted in deep-seated trauma, such as her fraught relationship with her emotionally distant mother.
Medication plays a significant role in her story as well. Merkin recounts years spent experimenting with different antidepressants in search of stability. While these medications occasionally offered relief, they often fell short of providing lasting solutions, reflecting the uncertainty surrounding their effectiveness and the challenges of finding the right combination.
During a particularly severe depressive episode, Merkin considers electroconvulsive therapy, which she describes as a last resort for those desperate when other options fail.
This Close to Happy sheds light on systemic flaws in mental health care, including its reliance on subjective patient reports and the absence of guaranteed cures.
Living with Depression: Resilience Redefined
Instead of seeing resilience as completely overcoming depression, Merkin describes it as the ability to keep going, even when the weight of the illness is constant. She understands her depression as something she’ll live with—a cycle that repeats—and her strength comes from continuing to function despite it.
Even though depression often makes happiness seem impossible, Merkin finds small moments of joy that keep her grounded. These might come from reading, writing, or spending time with her daughter. Such moments highlight her ability to find beauty and meaning even in difficult times.
Merkin points out that stability isn’t a fixed state; it’s more like a delicate balance that requires ongoing effort. She views small achievements—sticking to routines, attending therapy, and relying on supportive people—as essential for staying resilient. Her strength lies in adapting to her circumstances and finding comfort in daily life rather than letting depression define her.
Her willingness to seek help—through therapy, medication, and even hospitalization when necessary—reflects resilience rooted in self-awareness. Despite the challenges and frustrations of treatment, she continues striving to manage her illness.
For Merkin, resilience also means accepting her condition without losing all hope. She doesn’t claim to be cured by the end of her memoir; instead, she demonstrates that simply surviving can be an act of profound strength.
An Honest Portrait of Lifelong Depression
What makes Merkin’s story so powerful is its deeply personal nature, paired with a universal resonance. Her descriptions vividly capture feelings familiar to anyone who has faced mental health challenges or supported someone struggling.
This Close to Happy stands out for its raw honesty and elegantly crafted prose. Unlike many accounts that offer tidy narratives of recovery, Merkin portrays depression as a recurring, lifelong struggle that resists easy solutions. Her candid exploration of painful moments—such as suicidal thoughts and postpartum depression—reflects her commitment to presenting mental illness truthfully, without sugarcoating its harsh realities. Moreover, her introspective and refined writing elevates the book into a work of significant literary merit.
Despite immense challenges, Merkin’s resilience and determination to persevere are profoundly inspiring. This Close to Happy is a courageous and intimate narrative that confronts the stigma surrounding mental illness head-on, offering solace to those who feel voiceless. It reminds readers of their inner strength and the comfort found in knowing they are not alone.